The reasons why people have affairs and betray others vary, and will
depend on the personal circumstances and individual needs of those involved.
There does however tend to be two main reasons why people commit infidelity or
betray someone close to them.
To save the relationship
Sometimes people will have an affair or betray someone close to them in
the hope that it will solve a problem that for some reason could not be met in
the relationship. They will look outside of the relationship to find the
"missing part of the jigsaw" which allows them to function within
their relationship. This may be the case if their partner is no longer able to
meet their needs as a result of a personal issue. For example, some
relationships may come under strain if one individual has an illness such as
depression - which can take its toll on the sufferer as well as their
loved ones. Thus an act of betrayal may be an unconscious attempt to get away
from relationship problems that may have occurred as a result of the illness.
Alternatively, the person who committed the betrayal may themselves have
depression or a similar condition, which can cause people to think and behave in
ways they wouldn't naturally.
Emotional dissatisfaction is another common factor, and many will betray
their loved one to seek lost admiration, validation, connection and intimacy.
This may be why some affairs begin around the birth of the first child or during
another major life change. A betrayal can also be an attempt to regain a
position of power in a relationship following an unhappy or difficult
circumstance. Anger and loss can be temporarily dispersed through an affair –
with little thought of the long-term consequences.
To end the relationship
Another reason why people betray others is to bring the relationship to
a close. Problems that have gradually snowballed may lead to a
relationship breakdown that neither party wants to officially end - often due
to a fear of being alone if. Infidelity or betrayal, therefore may seem
like a much simpler way out of the relationship.
In other cases, affairs and betrayals may be a means to seek pleasure,
opportunity and excitement. Sometimes people will have an affair, or betray
someone close to them as a means to boost their self-esteem and social
recognition. In these circumstances, the perpetrator is usually putting their
own personal gratification before their relationship's, and the needs of those
close to them. An affair or betrayal could simply be their way of escaping a
relationship without having to take responsibility for the consequences.
Discovering an affair or betrayal
The discovery of an affair or betrayal can be very upsetting and
life changing. There is a profound break in trust and the intensity emotions
that follows can be similar to those experienced following the death of a
loved-one.
Grief
Grief is a common response; grief over the loss of the relationship as
it was known and grief over the loss of trust that had existed. There may even
be sadness over a loss of expectation. This is because betrayal means a loss of
security, loss of respect and above all, the loss of the 'perfect relationship'
ideal.
Questioning
The discovery of a betrayal or affair can trigger the onset of many
questions, particularly for the person who has been betrayed. They may feel
great confusion and uncertainty regarding the relationship, the person they
thought they could trust, and themselves. A betrayal can make people feel
like their entire view of the world is false, and that their judgement of
people is completely wrong. As a result, they may be second-guessing every
aspect of life.
The discovery of betrayal can lead to the following questions:
1
"How could they do this to me?"
2
"Why did they do it?"
3
"What else have they lied about?"
4
"Why is this happening to me? What did I do/not
do?"
5
"How can I ever trust him/her again?"
6
"Can we recover from this?"
7
"Should I walk away from this relationship?"
8
"Was there something wrong in our
relationship?"
9
"Why do I feel so hurt and stupid for this
happening?"
As for the person who committed the affair or betrayal, they too may be
feeling extremely confused, distressed and guilty over the discovery of their
wrongdoing - especially if they did not intend to hurt the other person. They
may be wondering:
1 "How has it come to this? Do we need
help?"
2 "Will he/she ever get over the
betrayal?"
3 "I want to save the relationship but
he/she doesn't trust me."
4 "I feel bad about the betrayal and I've
said sorry, but he/she keeps going on about it."
5 "It sounds stupid but I don't know why
I had the affair/committed the betrayal."
6 "How can we get through
this?"
Relationship counselling provides a suitable setting in which
individuals can work through these questions. This is an important step in
learning to process what happened and can help foster acceptance and
understanding of the situation.
Flight or fight response
Mixed emotions of anger, resentment, blame, shock and bewilderment can
lead to a number of knee-jerk responses such as filing for divorce and blocking
all contact with the person who committed the betrayal. These are typical
flight or fight reactions - ways in which our body naturally responds to stressful
and threatening situations - and tend to be triggered by a need to escape and
defend ourselves when life gets hard. The loss of certainty and predictability
that can follow a relationship betrayal will also contribute, as will a strong
urge to run away from the situation rather than face up to it.
Emotional vertigo
For many, finding out someone they valued and trusted has betrayed them
can make them feel like their world has been turned upside down.
Disorientation, dizziness, nausea and out of body sensations characterise this
emotional vertigo, which is often a result of shock combined with the inability
to accept the reality of the situation. Clinging on to denial and disbelief can
be unhelpful, and confronting the issue tends to be more important if there is
to be any chance of healing.
Effects of affairs and
betrayals
Following the discovery of an affair or betrayal - and the emotional
turmoil this can bring - those who have been betrayed may find themselves
preoccupied with ways in which they can immediately deal with the situation and
make the pain disappear. Often these methods are ineffective and can lead to
further problems - especially if the betrayal itself goes unresolved.
Taking control
Often the first response following the discovery of a betrayal is to
demand full transparency from the person who committed it. This may involve
demanding full access to all communications, such as email accounts, social
networking sites, phone messages and voicemails, usually in the name of
re-building trust. This is an understandable reaction, but such a controlling
dynamic can create further problems and hurt. It fails to address what is
really going on and can be exhausting and stressful for all those involved.
Wanting to know the details
It is natural for people who have been betrayed to want to know all the
details about what happened and why. They may feel an intense urge to
reconstruct, deconstruct and analyse every aspect of the betrayal in order to
learn the truth and reassure themselves that it won't happen again.
Understanding what went wrong may also seem effective for gaining some control
over the situation - particularly over feelings of hurt and broken trust.
There is however a great possibility that the details of a betrayal can
become a weapon for further hurt and destruction. Furthermore, interrogating
the person who committed the betrayal for more information may quickly
develop into an unhealthy obsession. Whilst talking through the betrayal can
help the individuals involved to accept what happened, generally it tends to be
in the process of tuning in to painful feelings that peace can be found.
Relationship counselling can be of benefit because it supports the process of
feeling.
Retaliation
Some people who have been betrayed may desire revenge for the hurt
inflicted on them. They may feel deep injustice and loss of power, and will
feel a need to restore this and correct the wrongdoing. Whilst getting revenge
may offer a temporary release from the pain and hurt, it will not resolve
anything. Only forgiveness can truly enable this, and relationship counselling
is very focused on helping individuals see this as an option.
Relationship counselling
As explained above, relationship counselling can address many aspects of
an affair or betrayal, and the impact it can have on a relationship and the
individuals involved. It is an important means of helping people to accept and
understand a betrayal, whilst guiding them through a process of healing and
growth that involves strengthening bonds, rebuilding misplaced trust and
learning to communicate better.
The majority of couples who have seen their relationships rocked by a
betrayal or an affair do survive it, and for many it offers a chance to become
more realistic and reach a deeper understanding. Couples counselling is a
reliable means for helping individuals very soon after a betrayal is discovered
- especially as it can help to contain the distress and shock that typically
follows. It also provides a controlled and safe environment in which
individuals can:
Begin to make sense of what happened
Ask and honestly answer questions
Slowly and sensibly work through painful feelings,
such as resentment and anger
Understand and grieve over the damage and hurt
inflicted on the partner.
Another important aspect of couples counselling is the way it addresses
any long-term underlying issues that may have led to the betrayal. This can
build awareness and understanding about why the betrayal happened and what can
be done in the future to prevent it from happening again. A therapist may also
help to clarify the true nature of the relationship by encouraging an open
exploration of its strengths and weaknesses. This may reveal unhealthy patterns
such as co-dependency or emotional abuse, which will also be looked at in therapy.
If you need help as an individual or a couple, please contact Sam at Therapy for Life
We also have a child minding service available alongside your session
